A Musical Death

The new year has started and it is the opportune time to let go and begin a whole new journey but the only problem is the one thing I've been carrying over I can't seem to let go or even get away from. I lost somebody very very special to me a year ago and I see them in dreams and my thoughts as well as the obvious and tangible places like pictures. Although we were family and blood, she was my best friend in the world. Usually, you see your grandmother during the holidays and it's an awkward meeting because since you hardly spend any time together, they rarely know the real you. My grandmother was the best friend I could ever have. I didn't really hold back with her. Curse words and all. We spoke candidly about life, the world and everything both good and evil in the two spectrums. It's been a year and her passing is still taking a toll on my life. I can function as anyone would normally but there are moments that find me crippled without warning. Whether it's hospitals, funerals, or graves and those scenes in a film or television show, it breaks my heart like the very first time I saw my grandmother taken away. I realize I have to get passed it but I am allowing it to happen on it's own terms. I am guessing that this is preparation for the future. I am quite certain that in this life I will experience more pain when the people I love the most become the departed, as well. I am just wondering if I am handling things the right way and will I be strong enough to be here standing as alone I feel this very moment, yet again. Honestly, whatever happens is fine with me. I guess that's what happens when you love somebody that much. It could be worse to not feel anything at all...

For Adela

Throwback the brick

As amazing as being current on all the new music that a scholar like myself is up on, every now then and I come across a memory or a song that takes me back to a certain memory of the "good ol' days." The other day I stumbled on "Black Star" from Radiohead and it was just as gripping as when I first heard it in 1993 (I'm sure their fans of the new progressive Radiohead don't appreciate the simplicity of the song, not weird enough...assholes) or something like the Lemonheads' "Drug Buddy," a song with obvious connections to teenage wild life being celebrated in a way only a few of us could ultimately feel warm with. The truth is that going back to a glorious time of one's youth to discover musical landscapes that cement the best of times can also make you think about hitting the proverbial rock bottom as a teen as well. So just as "Mayonaise" from Smashing Pumpkins brings me back to crusin' around Emerald Hills smoking cigarettes and laughing about whatever, Concrete Blonde's "Caroline" dredges up images of you saying the wrong thing to the girl that counted the most.

Songs from the past always take you back but often times, they take you to a place that was supposed to be dead and buried. That never happens though. Once you turn to The Cranberries or Tori Amos or even this underrated English band who I loved in high school called The London Suede, it's on. I loved that stuff. I remember when I discovered all that stuff. I was at a crossroads when I hit adolesence because I always had love for The Cure and Depeche Mode and although I loved metal growing up it was becoming parody of the talentless hair bands in the the early 90s. I fell in love with the Pumpkins and Tori Amos so they sort of opened the door to this music that was hard to describe because so many diverse artists were falling into the "Alternative" genre. It was The Cure, The Sundays, Stone Temple Pilots, Bjork, Belly, Concrete Blonde, Buffalo Tom, Oasis, Morrissey, Slowdive, Weezer, Sunny Day Real Estate, early Sarah. I never realized there could be a genre that could rock out and break your heart at the same time. I guess the girl involved would be the one breaking your heart... When you would see her walking in the halls. You had some Lemonheads playing on your headphones as the two of you would trade longing looks and smiles instead of stopping because you didn't want anyone to know as things were not official yet. That's a pretty serious feeling that you get in your gut and the music just intensifies that even more.

I still feel that now as an adult when I hear "Cherry Waves" from Deftones or Ryan Adams' heart-stopping cover of Oasis' "Wonderwall" (It is unbelievable how an artist can cover another artist's song making it completely their own, just totally jacking ownership of the song). I believe when you stop feeling those sentiments, a big part of you stops living. You're always going to wonder what happened to that special person or who got away or more regretfully, the one you let go. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, do you really want to know where they are and what they're doing and who they're doing it with? Do you even care? Let's see, that picture probably contains a lot of diaper-changing and some small town residing. That's not a bad thing. It's not a glamorous thing, maybe not not even your thing. On the flip side, do you think they want to see your image of countless tattoos, your album reviews trying to get published, having rock star friends ( a dream that's come true in the last couple of years) and still having to compete with your best friends? Probably not, but I'll always have the music. I'm lucky to have all the memories I do, but it's only because I have those songs to take me on that ride. So far, the ride is gonna last 3,185 items, 9 days, and 20 gb (I recently got a new 120 gb ipod so I have yet to fill it up with all of the classics, but a few). Enjoy the ride, maybe I'll see you along the way...

- Truelove

Leave behind...

There is really no moment that you ever look back once you make the move to leave. Leave your home or leave a time in your memory bank. You just go and hopefully leave all kinds of things behind to start new. That's the beauty of leaving. It's really not that you don't absolutely love what you're leaving behind but you want to love what's in front of you, also. In fact, you already do. A new place, a new anything. It's sometimes hard because you kind of feel disloyal to the past but you're not. The past understands. The past was there for you for whatever you needed and desired. Now it's the future's turn to carry your baggage, burdens, dead weight as well as your warmth, smiles, and euphoria. Everything about what was once amazing will always be that. Amazing. The only thing is that what you once thought was so incredible is in a drawer or your closet or hidden in your many thoughts in the back of your mind. It's a strange feeling that takes over having a glance at the past because it was so meaningful and so forever, or at least at the time. You weren't wrong to feel this way. Everyone does or hopefully they will because it truly is a remarkable feeling. In spite of all of the everyday destruction that we endure, it doesn't matter because we have our thoughts and feelings that help us get better. Look forward to feeling so many new pleasures of the future because you want it to rival the past. It will always make for good competition and also great therapy for letting go. We lose things and people that mean our lives to us. We didn't lose them. They may have left us behind to find that rival. We can't understand because we feel as if we lost something but we'll experience being on the other side of the coin. It's always good to look back and feel what it was to be in that time but if your still here it's important to embark on that ever-so-popular "journey." The past loved, loves, or still is in love with you and you the same for it, but move forward and fall for the future. No regrets...
- Truelove

School demise

When did a kid growing up in the suburbs, become so poignant that shooting up a school would be the answer to their loneliness, depression, awkwardness, and maybe in the majority’s eyes, the lack of popularity? This writer truly believes that everybody in some form or fashion has experienced being an outsider or secluded in their own self-loathing. I remember being a teenager around the time that Kurt Cobain left us and back then, kids were dealing with sadness because that’s what happens when you get to high school, right? If you’re a adolescent guy or girl and you’re into the opposite sex but maybe they’re not into you, one's self esteem will be affected. If you don’t have as many friends as the goddamn quarterback of the school, you believe that something is seriously wrong with you. You know what, bite the bullet (figuratively speaking) and try and deal with your own problem. The key word is “own.” Make a playlist on your ipod with as many Smiths songs or I guess these days as many Dashboard Confessional or Avril Lavenge songs as possible and remember tomorrow is another day.

Here is a pretty good idea on what not to do. Don’t obtain a firearm and begin taking your anger out on your schoolmates. Are you trying to be famous? Here’s the newsflash, I will take the Pepsi challenge that most people forgot the name of the lifeless coward who shot up Virginia Tech last year. Most people remember the Columbine shooters because it was the first one of its kind. Those two kids ushered in attacks on schools followed by the most offensive act of all by not owning up to their despicable actions. They didn’t pay for their crimes, they took the easy road by taking themselves off the planet. There have been numerous copycat incidents since Columbine and for what? Teenage vulnerability? Being an outcast? To quote a line from the 1990 landmark film about troubled teens and a high school without a clue on how to assist in their many dilemmas, Pump Up The Volume starring Christian Slater, “So be it.” One may have dated himself with that reference but the meaning is timeless. It’s absolutely horrific enough that as a country we have to deal with disgruntled people from other opposing countries that do not agree by any means with the freedom that our nation possesses, much less depressed teenagers or even young adults in the their first or second year of college trying to eliminate part of the English department at their distinguished schools with automatic weapons. How on Earth do children get their hands on guns, anyway. Having gone to the shooting range twice in one's life and granted it was a hell of an experience but never has the thought of purchasing handgun ever become a reality.

The ideas of right or wrong have to come in to play in the sense of not only will a prison sentence and same sex rape be imminent but it’s just completely tragic to murder innocent kids and teachers, point blank. It’s one thing if these troubled and confused adolescents believe that their lives are in such distress now, wait until the hit the multi-challenged golden age that is the 20s or even the early life crisis that is commonly known as the 30s. This life is a roller coaster of downfalls and triumphs. Its never simplistic but always life altering. Stop blaming your parents for being so out of touch with you and your aggressive nature as a teen and lack of confidence. This is a rather difficult time for parents as well. Don’t be fearful of the ridicule that you believe may come if you open up about your gloomy and abnormal thoughts because you’ve just discovered you hated yourself and you’re only 16 or 17 years old. Believe or not, it's almost normal to be insecure or somewhat awkward. being a teenager is all about discovering who you may be for the duartion of your life. The idea is to keep moving forward. That is the only option we all have in this life.